The ten qualities of a model employee

When I was a little boy, my dad always told me, "Beta, when you grow up, work hard, earn a good name in your company, and become a model employee. Then only you will do well in life." Of course, this was before the era of cost-cutting, and he never imagined that a year of hard toil could be rewarded with a pay cut and an exhortation to work even harder because half your co-workers have been downsized.
But somehow I internalised my dad's advice, and have spent all my working life trying to figure out how to be a model employee. After years of research, first hand observation, and several interviews with HR managers, CMDs and CEOs, I managed to identify ten qualities that mark out the model employee. I list them below for the edification of dedicated employees all over the world who are dying to know how they can sacrifice their lives for their company in a more value-added manner. Here goes:

1.The model employee never falls sick. Nor do the model employee's husband, wife, ageing parents, children or pets ever fall ill or sustain injuries that need medical attention. The model employee and his family members never indulge in any of the activities that can result in illness or injury, such as breathing, walking outside the safe environs of the office, etc.

2. The model employee never takes leave. You might imagine this follows from 1, except that this includes never taking leave even when you are not sick. The model employee doesn't have to receive relatives at the airport, pay kids' school fees, or go on holiday. If he goes on holiday, it is only in order to better fulfil the company's mission statement and facilitate the realisation of the company's vision statement, which is the mission statement rewritten for the visually challenged (see 6 below).

3. The model employee never, ever, asks for a raise.
4. The model employee will come to the office at least 24 hours before he is required to punch in, and goes home only when it is neither day, nor night, nor twilight nor dawn. Co-workers who are ordinary mortals will not be able to catch him either arriving or leaving the office, so they often mistake him for a part of office furniture, which he usually is.

5. The model employee usually has two key subordinates reporting to him: his chair, and his computer. Neither is easy to work with, but the model employee doesn't complain when his chair gives him severe back pain, and remains calm when his computer snubs him and starts reporting to the virus.

6. The model employee can parrot out the company's mission statement in his sleep. Can you? It is easy. No matter which company you're working for, it's the same: "To maximise customer delight by optimising the value-added utilisation of available resources through total quality management reinforced by exclusive focus on growth and profitability facilitated by brand innovation in order to positively impact shareholder orgasm." Memorise it right now.

7. Sometimes, a company may officially be going through a tough phase even though actually it may be doing quite well. Or vice versa. This could happen when there is a recession, even though officially there may be no recession. In these circumstances, a moderately good employee will only volunteer to be downsized for the greater good of the company. But a model employee will offer to resign and work for free (preferably from home so as not to impinge on scarce company resources) till the company tides over the tough period, which never lasts longer than the years of service left before you retire.

8. The model employee is a team player. No matter how hard he works, the credit for his work goes to somebody else. It can't go to him because if it does, he will get individual recognition, in which case he will become a star and cease to be a team player.

9. During performance appraisals, the model employee comes up with the best reasons for justifying his low salary, such as, "I could not single-handedly save the company from incurring losses due to the bizarre business strategies thought up by the aliens who have captured the brain cells of top management."

10. The model employee dies the day he is due to retire. If he dies earlier, due to an accident or sudden illness, he does so after serving a three month notice period.